Hey idiots, let me tell you how to be nicer to the environment. If I can figure it out I am sure that the rest of you people can. Here are a few simple changes you need to make immediately to help save the world. These easy and cost effective changes will lead to results that are priceless. We are running out of drinking water! We are running out of golf course watering water! It is in our best interest to practice simple water conservation techniques. These actions will save roughly 4.2 million gallons of water per every person who adapts these conserving practices.

First step! Build a human sized liter box. Go to your local hardware store and buy a shit-ton of wood, nails, tarp, sand, and or cat litter, (you may have to make a trip to the pet store to get the appropriate amount of cat litter). Just tell the hardware guys to round up an exact shit-ton of these materials. They are professionals so they will know how much a shit-ton is. I recommend sand because it is cheaper. The only down side is that it does not have the odor repelling science that is built into cat litter.

Then simply go home and take a few hours out of your Saturday, Sunday, and Monday to construct your human litter box. I would only recommend using your new giant toilet for pooping and not peeing. This will be explained later. It is important that you cover your fecal droppings with the sand after you finish. The sand helps to mask the smell of your shit, and also keeps curious dogs and children from eating your poop. By not flushing your man made logs down the toilet you can help to conserve water to keep our golf courses pristine. Pristine is a fancy word for nice. Building a giant litter box also allowed me to fulfill my life long dream of taking a dump while my cats take a dump at the exact same time. You really haven’t lived until you defecate with a kitten in hand.

Why should you only poop in your human litter box? Well, the answer is simple. By peeing into the sand you are wasting valuable water that could be used for drinking. You can purchase a urine filtration kit that turns your pee pee into drinkable auga. Auga is Spanish for water. These filtration kits can be expensive, so I suggest making your own kit. All you need is 13 coffee filters, a balloon, some sugar, a funnel, a pinch of bleach, a screw driver, one egg, tape, a ph balancing strips, hot ice, and two rubber bands. I do not have the time to explain how to put these items together, but I think the process is pretty self-explanatory.

With the amount of water I save by using these two items I can water my lawn for an extra 10 minutes everyday. If these techniques are practiced everyday for a year you will save between $25.00 and $42,000 dollars per year. Don’t worry I have calculated the cost of litter box and urine filtration materials into those figures. What I didn’t calculate are all the new Green friends you will make by becoming more environmentally gay. Have a lovely day and remember to not waste your waste!
Written by

Brandon Perna (The Scientist)