Hey idiots, let me tell you how to be nicer to the environment. If I can figure it out I am sure that the rest of you people can. Here are a few simple changes you need to make immediately to help save the world. These easy and cost effective changes will lead to results that are priceless. We are running out of drinking water! We are running out of golf course watering water! It is in our best interest to practice simple water conservation techniques. These actions will save roughly 4.2 million gallons of water per every person who adapts these conserving practices.

First step! Build a human sized liter box. Go to your local hardware store and buy a shit-ton of wood, nails, tarp, sand, and or cat litter, (you may have to make a trip to the pet store to get the appropriate amount of cat litter). Just tell the hardware guys to round up an exact shit-ton of these materials. They are professionals so they will know how much a shit-ton is. I recommend sand because it is cheaper. The only down side is that it does not have the odor repelling science that is built into cat litter.

Then simply go home and take a few hours out of your Saturday, Sunday, and Monday to construct your human litter box. I would only recommend using your new giant toilet for pooping and not peeing. This will be explained later. It is important that you cover your fecal droppings with the sand after you finish. The sand helps to mask the smell of your shit, and also keeps curious dogs and children from eating your poop. By not flushing your man made logs down the toilet you can help to conserve water to keep our golf courses pristine. Pristine is a fancy word for nice. Building a giant litter box also allowed me to fulfill my life long dream of taking a dump while my cats take a dump at the exact same time. You really haven’t lived until you defecate with a kitten in hand.

Why should you only poop in your human litter box? Well, the answer is simple. By peeing into the sand you are wasting valuable water that could be used for drinking. You can purchase a urine filtration kit that turns your pee pee into drinkable auga. Auga is Spanish for water. These filtration kits can be expensive, so I suggest making your own kit. All you need is 13 coffee filters, a balloon, some sugar, a funnel, a pinch of bleach, a screw driver, one egg, tape, a ph balancing strips, hot ice, and two rubber bands. I do not have the time to explain how to put these items together, but I think the process is pretty self-explanatory.

With the amount of water I save by using these two items I can water my lawn for an extra 10 minutes everyday. If these techniques are practiced everyday for a year you will save between $25.00 and $42,000 dollars per year. Don’t worry I have calculated the cost of litter box and urine filtration materials into those figures. What I didn’t calculate are all the new Green friends you will make by becoming more environmentally gay. Have a lovely day and remember to not waste your waste!
Written by

Brandon Perna (The Scientist)

That’s when it dawned on me: people are interpreting the “Go Green” campaign as a trend, a style or the newest fad. Many students don’t realize that “going green” is about more than using both sides of the paper to take notes — it’s the love of the natural in an unnatural, technological world. Don’t worry about the difficult tasks of using eco-friendly Styrofoam or buying a hybrid car — the only prerequisite needed to go green is a passionate devotion to the environment. With an authentic adoration and respect for the natural world, genuine green living is sure to follow.

“Going green” is not a new concept: it’s just a new term for environmentalism. There have been environmentalists since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, when concerns about factories’ contamination of air and water first arose.

Writers such as Henry David Thoreau and John Muir wrote about nature and its importance, while presidents such as Theodore Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson formed national parks to protect land from encroaching developers. The most visible and prominent generation of environmentalists came during the age of Rachel Carson in the 1960s, when Carson brought to light the devastating effects of chemicals released into the environment in her book “Silent Spring.” The ‘60s and ‘70s sparked a green revolution that took hold of the globe and forced people to face the facts — the earth was being ruined by those who owe their very existence to the planet.

People yearned to safeguard nature from the effects of technology because nature was more than recreational — it encompassed their reality. Past generations had people living in cities, but many more people lived in rural areas where they maintained a partnership with the earth, protecting it in a symbiotic relationship.

With the advent of the World Wide Web in 1996, the newest generation is enjoying and pushing for the rapid development of technology. Technology is no longer a threat to mankind, but instead its savior and personal assistant.
Whether it’s the Internet, computers, cell phones, cars or television, people are constantly using some form of technology. We tend to locate indoors in urban environs, preferably close to an electrical outlet. There’s no push to go outdoors and enjoy nature. Our lives revolve around being inside — inside our classrooms, inside our workplace, inside our cars, inside our homes — inside with our technology.

That is why the green movement has lost many of its passionate disciples in the 21st century. Society is no longer passionate about nature. Instead it saves its passion for the newest and latest gizmo. People don’t go outside when they have free time. Who needs outside when there is probably an app for that?

Our generation pats itself on the back for recycling. Our concept of green living is buying E-surance to reduce paperwork. Although these actions may be a step in the right direction, the map was misplaced long ago. The goal of going green is to preserve the earth, not only because it’s the “cool” thing to do, but because we love it, we need it and we want it to thrive. The earth is what made everything we have today possible, but everything possible seems to be destroying the planet. The “Go Green” campaign  intends to reverse that trend and helps efforts to sustain the earth so that generations to come can take pleasure in all it has to offer.

Once the citizens of developed nations can restrain themselves from cell phones and laptops and simply go outside, visit a national park or go camping, people won’t have to remember to be green — being green will come naturally.

Commercials and websites won’t be reminding individuals to care, but instead will be reinforcing what they already feel. The act of recycling will be seen as a way of reducing landfills. Saving paper will become synonymous with saving a tree. And riding bikes will be a pleasant way to keep the sky blue. Going green will no longer be a fad, but a way of life.

I challenge you to use your next free weekend to visit to the beach, go on a hike, or ride a bike instead of driving. Take it a step further and use this summer to go to Joshua Tree or Yosemite. Once you fall in love with the environment again, being green will mean so much more than a reusable shopping bag.